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| My writing -modified 4/20 http://miragesource.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=208&t=5523 |
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| Author: | GIAKEN [ Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:15 pm ] |
| Post subject: | My writing -modified 4/20 |
Quote: You know one truth about this place, it's a haven for the damned to be sent from the safety of a higher cause, which is a place of justice and righteousness. The world is a home of hell, a place containing we humans, to constrain our needs and wants as we do not think, we do not know. As we go through life, the one drive to live, what is it? What is this sole purpose in our atmosphere? To be among a few of undelivered, or to be one of them? You take sight of what you want, try to grab hold of it, do not let it go. Only betrayals remain left, as these humans surrounded you, take your life, your soul, the only thing you truly have in this God forsaken sea of lies and deceit. The truth is, human, we are only humans, we have no meaningful thoughts, we are all fools, living blind in our mishaps. Do you think you know? You will be damned, as the rest of this ground, burned among a fire of passion and drive to rid us from our bodies and leave behind these thoughts. You know the meaning of life? What is the point of trying to know. Statements hide the true questions that have the most meaning, and we are only the listeners and benders of this. Among us is a few that can truly believe, or so we think? There is nobody. We are humans. We do not know.There is a higher power among us, but not with us. If you think you know, you are a victim of this hell. You think your thoughts are so pure? Who among us can claim this? There is no true good, not at all. What lies inside the good is hidden deep and secure, where it eventually is revealed. Our "good" deeds are only masks of this and we only perceive it to be good. Our lies get us what we want, or so we think we want. Our actions are only selfish deeds, as we only hide our deceit for ourselves, and our mistakes are letting others know what the true meaning of our existence is. We are nothing, but pupils in the eyes of over-seers, waiting for the end, or so we have constructed with our minds. We are nothing. Old: SPOILER: (click to show)
I hope you can get some meaning from this...any help on grammar or wording or whatever? |
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| Author: | Asrrin29 [ Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing |
Wall of text crits for over 9000. Tell us what kind of writing sample this is. is it a story, a persuasive essay? it's it meant to be philosophical? I can't make much sense of the text, it needs more formatting, and and least tell us what the subject is. I'll try re-reading it once you clean it up a little more. |
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| Author: | Jared [ Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:43 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing |
Is this some kind of poem? if it is i don't agree with the questions you used in it. most of them are common sense. Also it kinda sounds depressive. one more thing, shouldn't this go in Off Topic? not ShowOff > Gallery ? |
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| Author: | GIAKEN [ Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing |
Well this is just a poem type writing I guess? I never really have topics for anything I write...and if you can't make any meaning out of it I'll post an interpretation later. I try to use creative wording to make a hidden meaning sort of. |
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| Author: | Asrrin29 [ Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:35 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing |
If it's a poem then it shouldn't be written in prose. it typically goes one sentence per line, or at least one thought per line. If it's more a philosophical musing essay, you need to split it up into 2 or more paragraphs, with each paragraph linking similar sentences under a broad topic. I'm very serious about it, you may not think that formatting matters much, but it can mean a great big deal. The easier it is to get your ideas conveyed to your reader, the more enjoyable your work will be to read. |
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| Author: | GIAKEN [ Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:08 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing |
Thanks for the help. This isn't a poem, it's philosophical. I'm going to read through it, change some words most likely, and do some formatting. Then I'll make an interpretation. |
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| Author: | GIAKEN [ Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:27 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing |
I did some formatting...didn't really modify any of it, except for maybe 1-2 words and added on some stuff to the end. I split it up into paragraphs where I tried to actually end the writing...I thought I was going to end it several times at first, but just kept going on. So I used that as markers as to how I would split this up. Quote: You know one truth about this place, it's a haven for the damned to be sent from the safety of a higher cause, which is a place of justice and righteousness. The world is a home of hell, a place containing we humans, to constrain our needs and wants as we do not think, we do not know. As we go through life, the one drive to live, what is it? What is this sole purpose in our atmosphere? To be among a few of undelivered, or to be one of them? You take sight of what you want, try to grab hold of it, do not let it go. Only betrayals remain left, as these humans surrounded you, take your life, your soul, the only thing you truly have in this God forsaken sea of lies and deceit. The truth is, human, we are only humans, we have no meaningful thoughts, we are all fools, living blind in our mishaps. Do you think you know? You will be damned, as the rest of this ground, burned among a fire of passion and drive to rid us from our bodies and leave behind these thoughts. You know the meaning of life? What is the point of trying to know. Statements hide the true questions that have the most meaning, and we are only the listeners and benders of this. Among us is a few that can truly believe, or so we think? There is nobody. We are humans. We do not know.There is a higher power among us, but not with us. If you think you know, you are a victim of this hell. You think your thoughts are so pure? Who among us can claim this? There is no true good, not at all. What lies inside the good is hidden deep and secure, where it eventually is revealed. Our "good" deeds are only masks of this and we only perceive it to be good. Our lies get us what we want, or so we think we want. Our actions are only selfish deeds, as we only hide our deceit for ourselves, and our mistakes are letting others know what the true meaning of our existence is. We are nothing, but pupils in the eyes of over-seers, waiting for the end, or so we have constructed with our minds. We are nothing. I don't know if I can interpret this...my explanations of each paragraph ends up being longer than the initial paragraph. So if you need help with a certain part, I'll try to explain. |
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| Author: | Asrrin29 [ Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:34 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing -modified 4/20 |
There are one or two places, especially in the first paragraph, that are a little awkward word wise, but otherwise it looks OK. The contents of the writing are rather dark and I don't personally feel that way, but it is an opinion piece. If you truly feel this way I would suggest talking to someone about it. |
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| Author: | GIAKEN [ Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:47 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: My writing -modified 4/20 |
Well it's reality (and some opinions) with a bit of a dark view just to be creative...I don't actually think of this all the time, but when I wrote this I was really upset about something that happened (dealing with a girl and what she did, that's the reason behind the piece stating there is no true good, meaning this girl told me some stuff, but it ended up being a lie (which plays into the part about stuff being hidden behind the good), but we talked about it so it's all good). I have my moments where I feel like writing something and just sit and think for hours about words and just start typing something. |
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